Wetherspoon bans reading

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Following their decision to withdraw from social media, the pub chain has signalled its intention to roll back on the industrial age, medieval agrarian reform and ‘washing in winter’. A spokesman for Tim Martin insisted that the internet was the work of the evil goblins and that Spotify was the devil ‘spunking in your ear’.

The spokesman said: ‘Aye, nothing good ever came of writing. Folks round here don’t take too kindly to letters and basic hygiene. If the God lord had wanted us to use Facebook he would have scooped out our brains and replaced them with a turnip.’ He went on to demand that all printing presses were destroyed and anyone on Instagram was burnt as a witch.

The Wetherspoon’s menu will now be solely pictorial, with the helpful image of deep-fried nematode worm and a side order of chunky fries. Any patron caught wearing a t-shirt with a slogan will be asked to don a smock of sackcloth and ashes, from Jacamo.

Management were keen to emphasize that this was not a rejection modern communication but a vote in favour of the carrier pigeon. Despite the adjustment, Wetherspoon intends to keep Friday nights simple; with drunken harlots rolling in mud, being beaten by a baying mob, armed with an inflated pig’s bladder on a stick – so no change there then.

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Posted: Apr 17th, 2018 by

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