Decades of warfare and conflict in Palestine have ended completely and suddenly after a leading rabbi ruled that pork product cultured in a laboratory could be considered kosher because the animal’s identity has been lost. Political observers are now hoping that an Islamic scholar can be persuaded to declare artificial pig meat halal, after which peace will break out everywhere in the Middle East.
‘As an Orthodox fundamentalist, I believe that Yahweh gifted the Land of Israel to the Jews for all time,’ said Baruch Levy, an Israeli settler on the Golan Heights. ‘But on the other hand, mmmm, bacon sandwiches. And I can even put cheese sauce on chops, apparently. I feel such a klutz for getting so angry with the Palestinians all these years. West Bank, schmest Bank, let them have it, I say.’
Shi’ite theologian Hussain Talalbani from the holy city of Karbala in Iraq said that he will study the Qu’ran closely for any indications of whether products created in a test tube to resemble cloven-hoofed animals are deemed to have a cloven hoof as a result. In the interim, Shi’ites must continue to view Sunni Muslims as murderers of the twelfth Imam and lower than beetle droppings at the Dead Sea – although on the other hand, Parma ham.
Radicalised youth are reportedly in two minds. ‘The Zionists, on whom be the curse of Allah, stole my grandfather’s olive groves and my family has lived in poverty ever since,’ said Said Jaffar, an 18-year-old trainee suicide bomber living in a refugee camp in Gaza. ‘I shall continue to throw stones at their tanks every day until I become a holy martyr with 72 doe-eyed virgins to shag on my own cloud every day, or I can eat a sausage bap, whichever happens first.’