Following the publication of a report showing that consuming one alcohol drink per day takes one day off your life expectancy, Tracey Andrews, 34, has calculated that her weekend binge drinking session in Skegness resulted in a “negative” life expectancy.
Andrews explained, “I’m on borrowed time. I should have died on Saturday night – technically – on the spot following that seventh Jager bomb at Bar Monique.”
Leading health experts, who have been unable to reconcile these anomalies, have referred to the phenomenon as being “post death”. Kiran Patel, a senior government health adviser, remarked, “Science is based on reason and rationale deduction. In this case, the only remaining explanation is that Tracey and her like are some sort of immortals or even gods.”
Buoyed by the news of her deity status, Andrews has resigned from her job as a Credit Controller for a printing company and started a celebrity religious cult. “I’ve contacted my fellow immortals and urged them to join me in Sheffield. I plan to start a new faith group. We meet at The King’s Arms on the High Road every Tuesday – curry night. You have to be a post-death drinker to join though, as we’re trying to keep it exclusive.”