All packaging, though specifically the impenetrable plastic variety is to be made more f*cking annoying, the government has confirmed.
In addition to enforcing triple the amount of cardboard for posted DVDs and police-grade ballistics testing on those bastard blister packs, included for the first time under the new legislation are tighter guidelines for tinned goods; ‘Primarily to increase the frequency of broken nails, nipping and ‘Oh my Christ, the bloody ring-pull’s only come off with my pissing soup still in there’ said a spokeswoman for the Department of Bastards.
Other measures such as infinite regressions of boxes within boxes and plastic envelopes that stretch to transparency whilst still not allowing you to access your pointless purchase -whilst not mandatory – will be encouraged via tax relief for mega-corporations.
‘This can’t come soon enough’ said Scole man, Ed Flannigan. ‘Just yesterday I managed to get into a pack of memory cards that I’ve only had for nine years by visiting a university that maintains a high powered laser. I don’t even own the camera any more but really hoped my attempts to access the now obsolete contents would give me a few more years of something to do. At least once we’d torn the top off I managed to sever three fingers on the razor sharp edge’ he added, before collapsing from blood loss.
The new rules will come into force the moment you next receive something, though maybe complicated by an additional bill, currently in the House of Lords, that could require delivery drivers to hurl all of your post into the river before ripping the ‘Sorry we missed you’ card as they post it through the wrong letter box.