Thousands of overweight racists are to spend today honouring the Great British tradition of getting really angry at the lack of celebrations for St George’s Day, if they are not too busy recovering from burning their shiny heads during the first appearance of sunshine since last October.
‘Everyone should celebrate their patron saint innit?’ said Darren Braithwaite, 32, from Romford, who overcame his lack of opposable thumbs to post on Facebook last night. ‘The Micks honour St Patrick by drinking lots of Guinness and spaffing all their earnings for the year on the gees at Cheltenham, the Welsh honour St David by eating daffodils and shagging their sisters, why shouldn’t we celebrate the greatest Englishman ever just because of some politically correct nanny-state metropolitan elitists sipping their chai lattes in Shoreditch. MADNESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!’
Saint George was a Roman soldier of Greek origin from Lydda in the Roman province of Syria Palaestina, or might easily have been if he had existed. He might have become an officer in the Guard of Roman emperor Diocletian but was martyred on 23 April, or definitely one of the 365 days in the year, for refusing to renounce his Christian faith, or for making a brave stand against the European Union’s Dangerous Preparations Directive, or something like that. He later played at Glastonbury with King Arthur and Joseph of Arimathea, before rescuing some stark naked princess or other from a giant fire-breathing snake who definitely existed too.
‘Look, it doesn’t matter whether or not he really lived here,’ said Braithwaite. ‘The fact is old George was as English as can be. His mum and dad were called Gerontius and Polychronia, like lots of kids on my estate. He was a valiant knight in shining armour, protecting the poor from oppression, just like Jacob Rees-Mogg. And no way would he have stood by and let 73 million Turkish in to sponge off our NHS and take all our jobs, even if he was from Cappadocia.’
‘Where is Cappadocia anyway? … Oh, fuck off.’