A series of cosmetics adverts has been pulled from TV after the company revealed that their products were not modelled on real people but ham composites sculpted from the flesh of dead pigs. However, Oh-My-God-What’s-Wrong-With-Your-Face-Like-Seriously-What’s-Wrong-With-Your-Face, has defended its actions
‘One of our development team was at the supermarket when she noticed how beautifully a leg of gammon glinted under the florescent light,’ said CEO Amanda Kissinger, looking immaculate but still somehow exuding an aura of sadness. ‘Pigs have the smoothest skin of all barnyard animals. They have no concept of death or crushing existential struggle to find meaning in a godless, uncaring universe, so they tend not to be plagued by those early fine lines that so beleaguer the modern woman.’
When asked if photographers balked at the prospect of glamour shooting a corpse-less head shedding chipolatas like a breadcrumb trail to Jeffrey Dahmer’s house, a spokesperson said it was ‘not a problem as creatives preferred their models not to have a personality to begin with some.’
Far from being horrified at the grisly lengths some business will go to shift product, OMGWWWYFLSWWWYF have been inundated by requests to share their techniques.
Marketing chief for ‘Thigh Gap – Clothes for People Better than You’, Alicia Smithfield commented: ‘With make-up, lighting and digital editing, we have come to the limits of technology for making women feel bad about their bodies. The realistic pig-model hybrid is the ultimate in unobtainable beauty. We can keep our customers in a cycle of fear, doubt and trying to purchase their way out of their insecurities indefinitely, like a kitten with learning disability twitching to our catnip mouse on a stick like Ian Curtis caught in a strobe light.’
Across the internet, a wave ‘Da Yoof’ taking selfies with unsmoked back bacon rashers streaked along their face has exploded over Instagram, Snapchat, and other platforms this publication is not cool enough to know about. Whether these self-portraitures, a phenomenon some have dubbed ‘pigging out’, are a genuine attempt to make the subjects look more beautiful or simply an expression of the younger generation’s unerring sense of meme potential of any given news story remains to be seen.
David Cameron could not be reached for comment.