The Metropolitan Police are currently investigating a republican plot against the monarchy. This culminated in an evening of entertainment last Saturday so horrendous as to almost depress Her Majesty into abdicating. Fortunately, the arrival of yet another royal sprog two days later appears to have stabilised the situation for now.
‘We’ve suspected that such a plot exists since 2002, when the poor old dear’s Golden Jubilee was ruined for her by having to watch Brian May play his guitar on the roof of Buckingham Palace,’ said a Met spokesman. ‘We couldn’t prove anything then, but now the republicans have overplayed their hand. To think they could organise Shaggy and Sting as headliners and not arouse suspicions. I mean, one of them solo is hard enough to stand, but together…?’
As a visibly shaken Queen was revived with gin and dubonnet, speculation began as to the identity of the plotter. Police are keen to talk to one of the main organisers of the entertainment: a 69-year-old man, known only as C, who is, currently unemployed. There are rumours that he has already been smuggled out of the country as part of the Windrush generation.
Palace insiders have since congratulated the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge on rising to the occasion by having a son born on St George’s Day, although this is tinged with regret that they already have a George. ‘What better way to send the nation into a euphoria of 1980s nostalgia and love, while Brexit hurtles us all towards the 1930s?’ one official said wistfully.
Bookies are now placing odds on re-naming the first boy ‘Leopold’ or ‘Edward’ (wrong-brother-Miliband-the-second) or ‘Diana’, after gender-reassignment. However, there has also been a surge of popular support for Tyler as the name for the new arrival. Chantelle had been strongly mooted for a girl, while Orlando or Jay-Zee had been strong contenders for the male line. ‘It’s like Royal meets drugs gang-banger all rolled into one, epitomising what makes Britain great,’ said a treasury spokesman, noting that these two industries now collectively account for over 50% of GDP.
Paul L, Squudge and Throngsman