Events concerning the Windsor family can no longer take place on boring meaningless days, palace insiders have confirmed. ‘Commoners can have their weddings or births on any old day.’ said a spokesman, ‘but Royals need to do better. The Cambridges picked the national saint’s day, while Harry cheekily decided to upstage a major sporting event’.
Secret documents reveal Meghan eloping with Harry Kane will coincide with the 2024 UEFA Cup final, while the Queen’s death is pencilled in for Victoria’s 125th anniversary in January 2026. Meanwhile, Philip is scheduled to die peacefully in his sleep on 18 June 2025, the 110th anniversary of Waterloo, after muttering something incoherently about ‘giving those Frogs a good hammering’.