There were scenes of terror across the beaches of south-west England yesterday after a pod of tabloid sharks terrorised terrified tourists. ‘They were circling and looking at us,’ claimed one bikini-clad busty babe, Beverley, 19, whose hobbies are netball and naked yoga. ‘It was obvious they are obsessed with human flesh.’
The gigantic filth merchants swam close to the shore, as beach goers enjoyed The Sun, The Star and The Daily Mirror. The group caused a lot of concern for local pressure group, Surfers Against Sewage. ‘These vile creatures shouldn’t be allowed in the sea,’ said a spokesperson for the group, ‘they could cost us our Blue Flag status.’
Down the years, tabloids sharks have been a regular sight in the waters at Porthcurno from May to the middle of August, commonly known as ‘the silly season’, when their staple diet of news stories dries up after thousands of young girls have jumped into the air after receiving their exam results and head south. The sharks will often venture into the shallow waters to feed the single celled organisms who, like plankton, feed on their made-up stories.
One stunned local said: ‘We haven’t seen a tabloid shark here for a few years. Not since the Camerons stopped holidaying here, after David lost his job as Prime Minister, and they put their £3 million mansion on AirBnB.’
Tabloid journalists sharks are the second biggest sharks in the media after Rupert Murdoch. They cruise around with their eyes open as they gobble down small stories and blow them out of all proportion through their arses. Their mouths can open to up to one metre wide when there are freebies about, and their digestive systems can filter ten Olympic-sized swimming pools worth of crap in just one hour. Holidaymakers have been warned that exposure to them can result in permanent brain damage.