Members of Swedish power pop quartet Abba have agreed to end their 35-year standoff and work together to rid the charts and radio airwaves of all non-Swedish pop. The group met in a specially-constructed building halfway up Agnetha’s driveway, traditionally one of the tensest front lines in the world, in a bid to get the various divorced band members to record again on the basis that all the awful tripe that has come out of Sweden ever since has been partially their fault.
The talks came just months after Agnetha threatened to record more collaborations with Gary Barlow and declared her willingness to release further albums of cover versions at a time and place of her choosing, though her ambitions were muted by Benny and Bjorn’s counter-threats of launching long-range traditional Swedish folk music in retaliation. Annifrid apparently also said something during all this, but no-one was listening at the time.
The group had a string of bitter tit-for-tat chart hits throughout the 1970s, eventually stopping recording in the early 1980s. They never officially split but since they comprised two couples who had bitter divorces and the two women always hated each others’ guts anyway, no-one thought that made any difference. As the various sides retreated, a cold war fell across the region and millions of fans became trapped in the past, growing ever more remote from a world which had moved on.
After several hours of discussion the quarter reappeared from the cabin and released an official statement saying: ‘This is the beginning of new day, a day when we resume our animosities for the good of all mankind. Finally we will be able to say to our children that they will never have to see another Abba tribute band, listen to Piers Brosnan sing SOS or watch Eurovision. It is only by working together we can irrevocably ensure that there will never be another Ace of Base.’