Faced with a Friday the 13th dinner date with Donald Trump in July, UK diplomats have asked if we could have a visitor that is more moderate, stable and with a more age-appropriate wife. With Emmanuel Macron thus eliminated from the running, serious consideration is now being given to North Korea’s Kim Jong-un, who in recent days has shown himself to have many of the attributes of Trump, such as being a paranoid narcissist, with his trigger-finger on the nuclear button, but who at least has a full head of hair of normal colour
Given the success of Kim Jong-un’s visit to South Korea, many feel that he has more to offer Theresa May – not least of which is advice on how to manage a brutal dictatorship, but with Boris Johnson on board. In addition, British crowds are far more likely to flock to get a good look at the first ‘human Weeble’ before mass production of toys based on him begins in earnest somewhere manufacturing is still a thing.
‘With Kim Jong-un you get a degree of politeness, he’s not fussy about what food you put in front of him and he has no desire to steal your golf course,’ said one British ambassador. ‘Yes he can get a bit bellicose about missile testing when he’s had a few glasses of fermented cabbage, but he rarely asks for Russian prostitutes to urinate on him. And as long as we get the footmen to lock the corgis away, he’s probably a better bet to behave himself at the palace.’
Post-Brexit, many believe that the UK economy will need to adopt a North Korean model in order to reflect its new status in the world, complete with drab clothing, uniform haircuts and twenty recipes for rat. ‘Mr. Trump is just too controversial,’ the ambassador said. ‘If he comes we’ll have to camouflage any steel works, Mexican restaurants – or any women of child-bearing age for that matter. With Kim we just need to hide all the uncles. Though then again, Andrew and Edward … just saying.’