Mike Johnson of Walthamstow admitted today he was just going to ‘slob around on his arse’ for all three days of the Bank Holiday Weekend. He confessed he had no parties to go to, and had not been invited to any BBQs. In a wondrous display of British defiance he declared that even if he had been invited he couldn’t be arsed going.
He certainly was not going on a long weekend away to Norfolk, and was not even planning a day-trip down to the coast: ‘I don’t give a shit if it’s gonna be hotter than Majorca on Monday, I’m going nowhere. Well, maybe down to a darkened, quiet Wetherspoons for a pint if anywhere. Even that’s a stretch.’
‘I just want to spend the entire weekend in my undies, watching sport and other crap telly while guzzling beer. If that makes me a sad bastard then I’m a proud, happy and very content sad bastard.’
Analysts say there are thousands of ‘Mike Johnsons’ all over the country, but most concoct elaborate cover stories to cover their Bank Holiday Plans – or massive lack thereof. Most pretend to be heading away with a non-existent family, or girlfriend they met online, all while planning a rapid getaway to the discount booze shelf at Lidl as soon as it hits 5 on Friday.