Home Office issues L.A.V.A. guidelines for volcanic eruptions

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After witnessing scenes of eruption from the Kilauea volcano spewing molten lava across carefully manicured Hawaiian lawns, a special Home Office task force convened in an emergency meeting to formulate an effective response strategy should Britain suffer the same fate. Today saw the first advice published by the task force.

L.A.V.A.

In the event of receiving an order to evacuate due to volcanic eruption, the public should follow L.A.V.A. guidelines:

L = Lunch.
If you’re about to eat, do so. British lava is likely to be slow moving and suffer delays due to moderate weather fluctuations. Evacuation on an empty stomach is not recommended. If you’ve already eaten, consider utilising the spare time before engulfment to clear memory space on your recording devices or bring the washing in. Don’t allow noxious sulphurous fumes from a pyroclastic flow to ruin the alpine-fresh fragrance of your line-dried delicates.

A = Argue.
Even with super-heated liquid rock encroaching unabated, it’s still going to get chilly in the evening. Try to have a brief ding-ding with your partner about what to wear to circumvent the problem, this will eventually clear the air of nonsense to allow for more rational conversations as the threat of atom by atom vaporisation becomes ever imminent.

V = Video.
There’s likely to be a ‘vlogger’ at your evacuation assembly building ‘vragging’ about escaping his impending demise and showing everyone a trickle of lava filmed to look like an approaching tsunami. As you cleared your devices earlier, you won’t be caught out articulating your own predicament without first-class video evidence, preferably with your partner in shot for scale. An artily shot video of your domestic cataclysm will bring a multitude of social media ‘likes’ which although cannot compensate for losing house and home, may bring a fleeting sense of dislocated sympathy.

A = Arse.
You are now in mortal peril and it’s too late to take that skirt back to M&S, or snip any more cuttings from your prize-winning Rhododendron. This is the time to set your pets or livestock free. If they are hand-reared or purchased from a reputable establishment they’ll come looking for you. Now get your arse to the designated evacuation assembly building before white-hot pumice removes more than the skin from your feet.

Remember: There’s no palaver with L.A.V.A.

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Posted: May 12th, 2018 by

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