Despite never having had any formal medical training, Paul Nowakowski (36) is fairly sure that an amputated thumb can be reattached with a combination of gaffer tape and wood glue. Faced with a DIY ‘accident’ involving a hedge trimmer and innate male stubbornness, Paul is a firm believer in improvised health care – just like Jeremy Hunt.
Although copious blood loss would suggest otherwise, Paul has every confidence that the gaffer will hold: ‘Yes, I lost consciousness for a few minutes but that’s probably just the hay-fever. I’ll be right as rain, as soon I’ve cleared up all the vomit and got the thumb facing the right direction’.
Rather than visit an A&E Department, Paul is determined to ‘power through’, knowing full well that his wife had given him strict instructions not climb ladders unaided. ‘Let’s not mention my little mishap, I don’t want any awkward recriminations. Mrs Nowakowski hasn’t forgiven me since I hard-wired the TV into the plumbing and electrocuted her mother- again’.
Undeterred, Paul stuck by the curative powers of gaffer tape and lying to your wife: ‘Gaffer can repair anything – shelving, subsidence, even Brexit.’ What about your marriage? ‘No, probably not that’.