England’s national selectors have named an impressively appalling squad of fat, beer-guzzling, xenophobic and homicidally violent morons to head to Russia next month to take on the world. It’s a good mix of youth and experience with younger hooligans expected to spearhead the attack while the older heads will park the bus and prop up the bar.
It’s a strong squad but could have been stronger, if not for the fact many automatic first-choice selections for going to Russia, were also automatic first-choice selections by Her Majesty for going to jail. Many others were unavailable for selection due to severe injury, mainly GBH, and others were not selected due to being Manchester United fans.
Hooligan Captain Darren ‘Basher’ Buxton said he was proud to be leading the team and was hopeful of being able to smash up the supporters of the smaller nations during pool play, before facing the bigger nations in the knock-out knock-out stages. ‘I think the Russian lads will be favourites going in, on their home soil and all, and with back-up from the cops, but we’ll be going there to do our best and hopefully give all the people back home something to really be ashamed of,’ said Mr Buxton.
Top contenders for the Russia 18 also include the Italian Ultras whose knife-work is the envy of many nations, as well as the Argentinians who are always strong. The Spanish will once again be bringing their beautiful-to-watch ‘tikka-takka’ hooligan style, but it’s considered outdated now and generally ineffective against more brutal firms. The Scots would have been considered a good outside bet but failed to qualify due to their team failing to qualify.
And bookmaker Paddy Power agrees with Buxton having called the home crew as strong favourites to win, not least because they are led by President Putin.
Hat tip to Sir Lupus