An impressed Home Office is strongly considering implementing Israeli-Style border control that will essentially involve machine-gunning anyone without an up-to-date passport. It is hoped the new measures will discourage people smugglers, but it is also going to be used on stag party revellers returning from Magaluf and Marbella, especially if they have matching T-shirts with their nicknames on the back.
‘We thought the Israeli response at the Gaza border the other day was robust, and while it was a little bit murdery, there weren’t too much illegal immigration to Israel that day were there,’ said a Border Force official. ‘So I think we’ll roll it out at Dover and Stansted Airport for a trial. Frankly, if machine-gunning people to death doesn’t stop all those illegal blokes getting into Blighty – well, I don’t know what will.’
Home Secretary Sajid Javid sought to reassure cry-baby snowflakes concerned about the measures, that only ‘really dodgy’ looking blokes would be machine-gunned. ‘It’s time we put the “extremely mother-effing hostile” back into “hostile environment” quite frankly,’ said the Minister.