To counterbalance the crime of ‘hate speech’, Her Majesty the Queen has asked parliament to enact a Bill criminalising ‘Love Speech’ after Pastor Curry mentioned the word 978 times a minute during Harry and Meghan’s wedding. If the law is passed those guilty of ‘Love Speech’ will be punished by having to listen to old recordings of Katie Hopkins’ radio show.
Senior members of the Royal Family are still seething at having to listen to 13 minutes of love-filled invective. ‘We weren’t ready for such a love-ful diatribe,’ said one unnamed royal. ‘One minute we’re sitting there, happily nodding off to the Archbishop boring us to the death, the next minute some black American chap has sprung up out of nowhere and starts babbling on about…love! I thought it was completely inappropriate – at a wedding of all places!’
Zara Phillips was even more scathing. ‘I was about to order Mike to run up there and rugby tackle the bastard. Then I thought, no, better save that for later in case Elton John gets anywhere near a piano. But I mean dear lord, what was the man thinking? This is the Royal Motherfucking Family for fuck’s sake not some Southern Baptist Church full of happy-clappy nut-bags.’
‘I mean, I know hate preachers are thoroughly bad chaps, but bloody hell – 3 minutes into that nonsense and I was starting to think where’s bloody Abu Qatada when you need him. At least he wouldn’t have rambled on about fire-powered jet-planes, some complete wanker called Martin Luther King, and some other hippy-sounding love-bandit called Jesus.’