Reports are coming in from the southern province of East Sussex that a fundamentalist force of Christian bakers, cake decorators and cream fillers have worked themselves up into an extreme state and seized control of Britain’s ancient gay capital, Brighton, vowing to destroy every remnant of it.
Several sites of special sexual interest have already been bulldozed, including the Pink Moustache gay bar, Glitterballs nightclub and the Pumping Muscle gym – you know, the one that Geoff stopped going to because he kept finding empty lube bottles in the changing room, but now he’s worried he might be an awful bigot just like his dad.
The holy hetero army of God-bothering bun merchants is now threatening to flatten the Royal Pavilion, which was built between 1787 and 1823 for Britain’s campest king, George IV. In a video posted online, the anti-buggery bakers are claiming that the absolutely fabulous Pavilion is a shameless attack on their religous beliefs and gayer than a two-tiered frosted fairy cake with candy cock candles.
‘It’s terrible,’ says Sebastian Barratt-Wilson, a refugee bathroom designer from Prince Albert Parade. ‘There’s gangs of obese bald men all dressed in stark white aprons, marauding through The Lanes brandishing rolling pins and piping bags and smelling of baking soda and yeast.’
Thousands of Brighton’s metrosexuals and LGBT community have fled across the border into neighbouring Eastbourne where tensions are now running high with conservative locals, many of whom have openly tutted at them in the streets. A battalion of Gay Pride infantry is hoping to retake the city from behind the park and ride with a stunning flanking manoeuvre and dance routine that will catch the homophobic batter-boys with their trousers down.