Workers at B&Q in Tunbridge Wells were stunned yesterday during their tea break by the surprise arrival of two demonic figures: War and Famine. The nervous employees had only just sat down to chew on their ginger nuts when they were treated to an apocalyptic account of the horrors waiting in store for them if the country voted for Brexit.
‘No jobs! No food! No money!’ yelled Famine. He paused to let the weeping die down before he continued, his voice rising to a crescendo: ‘How will you be able to look your child in the eye in their last dying moments, when they ask you: Why Daddy? Why Mummy? Why did you put that little cross next to the box marked LEAVE?’
War then angrily asked the staff if they had ever seen a picture of Hiroshima and told them this could easily come to pass right here next year if the Leave campaign won. He then paused to pass his withering gaze over the trembling audience before delivering his final blood-curdling warning – ‘And if all that were not bad enough, a package holiday on EasyJet might go up by a couple of hundred quid!’
As the duo left the stage, the acrid scent of brimstone wafted slowly around the room and many staff shook or sobbed uncontrollably into their handkerchiefs. One said: ‘I only popped in to get a drink of coffee, and I ended up being lectured by these two. It was all rather upsetting really. I wouldn’t mind, but I only get fifteen minutes break.’
Another assistant, asked whether she had changed her mind about the referendum, said: “I’m a good judge of character and those two had honest faces. I’m certainly going to vote to stay in now – I have my children to consider. I can’t vote for nuclear weapons falling on their poor little heads, can I? And how would Tracy and Kylie feel if I had to tell them we couldn’t afford to fly to Disneyland this year?’
War and Famine were not available for comment, although a reporter’s microphone did pick up an unidentified voice from behind the stage saying ‘Good God, George. You don’t think they actually bought it do you?’ Organisers were quick to explain that the voice had been a B&Q employee referring to an unexpected sale of a garden shed.