Severe obesity is leading to a national shortage of suitable kids to pick last for activities, meaning other minority groups have moved down the pecking order; including children with squints, kids with uncommonly large ears and ‘gingers’. The once orderly hierarchy of athleticism is now prone to subjective selection, with children wearing layered clothing often mistakenly picked ‘as a chubby’.
While football’s loss is sumo’s gain, these obesity levels have led to a national shortage in goalkeeping talent. In the future, this could mean that desperate England managers are forced to rely on agility or height as goalkeeping characteristics or worse still – Joe Hart.
Explained one scout: ‘Girth is the keeper’s most important attribute. Peter Shilton, Gordon Banks – they were all 20 stone before they were 5ft. Peter Bonetti was called ‘the cat’ because he ate 178 kilos of raw fish every day’.
School bullies are also having to find new minority targets; resorting to picking on anyone whose parents have a mortgage or like James Corden. One teacher said: ‘We’ve got 22,000 children aged 10 to 11 too large for any productive activity, constantly ridiculed and unable to say no to pies – but sadly only one of them can be Foreign Secretary’.