Social commentators have highlighted a phenomenon that has crept up on society, insidiously unnoticed: the increasingly lack of grandads who fought in the war. For generations, British grandchildren were vested with enviable bragging rights, being able to say that their grandad used to be in the war. However, this is no longer true, something that is the very antithesis of what the archtypal grandad should be.
‘Grandads should always have a pregnant paunch under their favourite, long owned cardigan, patterned by stains and holes,’ said Professor Julian Macrae of the Institute for Stereotypes. ‘They should sit in their armchair watching sport all day long, with no-one else daring to raise their voice. Grandads should multi-task, via the simultaneous control of the TV remote, the newspaper crossword and a cup of tea as nanna waits on them hand and foot.’
Further evidence that no-one has a proper grandad any more was confirmed by the fact that every grandad should walk ten paces ahead of nanna, looking behind, telling her to hurry up, as she traipses under the burden of carrying six full shopping bags. Furthermore, grandads should get shitfaced drunk, obnoxiously ruining many a family get together, without any offence being taken.
‘Above everything else, however, grandads should have been in the war,’ said Professor Macrae. ‘Grandchildren everywhere should be getting regaled with exaggerated stories of how their grandad single-handedly battered Hitler. This used to be a legacy bequeathed down the generations, as good as any financial inheritance. Grandads used to get their medals out. Grandads were a living piece of history. By contrast, grandads of today are basically pretty shit.’
Many veterans of the Falklands War, now modern day grandads, have taken umbrage, staking their own claim to fame by claiming to who have machine-gunned 200 Argies on Goose Green. However, they have been dismissed, because the proper grandads were in World War II, the World Cup of Wars, compared to which the Falklands was a boring skirmish, akin to the Scottish Premier League, with one horse guaranteed to win the race. Furthermore, there was no shortage of bananas, like real grandads have experienced. Kids of today simply don’t know what they are missing, it has been confirmed.