Following the news that more people applied for Love Island than Oxbridge this year, Oxford and Cambridge Universities have announced that all applicants will now be required to have either a ripped six-pack or a banging bikini body, while multiple leg and neck tattoos will be now worth the equivalent of ten A* GCSEs.
As well as studying Classics and Particle Physics, students will also need to have sex with them under a blanket in front of multiple TV cameras, while coping with a new hot person being parachuted in every three days to steal their partner. Traditional candidates, like socially awkward but brilliant nerds, are expected to suffer.
‘The fake tan’s coming along alright but my puny ‘guns’ are going to be my downfall,’ said computer science student David Hemsworth. ‘This was where us nerds could get our revenge and start the journey to top jobs and a banging hot missus. Damn you, Love Island! Damn you to hell!’