Reincarnation, a luxury previously enjoyed only by rice-eating mystics who spend most of their lives in the lotus position, will soon be available to everyone with a National Insurance number, a government spokesman has revealed. Deceased clients will be offered the option of returning to life in new forms, with a ‘limited but sensible’ range of bodies to choose from, as with NHS spectacles.
Critics have expressed fears of increased waiting lists and cemeteries packed with people waiting to be allocated a new life. Others worry about malpractice lawsuits from patients whose souls are put into lower life forms and return to earth as cockroaches or Kardashians, and applicants are being warned that the statistical certainty of eventually being picked for Love Island must be balanced against the end of Brexit still being several lifetimes away. The Dalai Lama complained: ‘Now every tattooed, bling-wearing oik can get as many new lives as they want,’ he said. ‘Reincarnation? No thanks – it would be like spending eternity on the Jeremy Kyle Show.’