Some band you’ve never even heard of to headline huge festival

John Peel dancing in his grave

The prestigious Saturday night headlining slot at this year’s Reading Festival has been announced and it’s some group that you know absolutely nothing about, being over the age of 22 and therefore ‘past it’.

‘We are both privileged and delighted to have secured them for their only UK show of 2012,’ declared promoter Melvin Benn to whoops of appreciation from a couple of NME journalists who are apparently paid to give a crap about announcements like this. ‘It’s great news for their legions of fans. Plus it’s a strong message to middle-aged music anoraks who still think that they’re up to speed with current musical trends: ‘Stay the hell away and listen to your Oasis albums granddad.”

The headlining act was formed in Washington in 2005 and has amassed a huge following in the UK and US by amalgamating thrash metal, dubstep and a bunch of other musical subgenres that are unlikely to mean anything to you anyway, so there’s no point in detaining you any further with them.

The band complete the weekend line-up of illegible logos, unfeasibly pointy beards and impractical-looking body piercings – all designed specifically to make you realise that denying the onset of middle age is now futile.

Promoters Festival Republic have, however, announced a small concession for older punters who are forced to attend in order to keep an eye on their teenage kids all weekend. The original line-up of Happy Mondays will attend the festival on Sunday, selling vodka jellies and crack cocaine.

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Posted: Jun 9th, 2018 by

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