The problem of moped gangs should soon disappear after fed-up Londoners booted out the ineffectual Cressida Dick and voted to ‘go mediaeval on their sorry arses’. Family gibbet-making businesses, who have not recorded a sale since 1834, have reacted with glee. Public stocks are being dusted off, gallows are being hastily erected, and iron maidens are flying off production lines. Chief constables are being abolished and replaced with new county torturer roles.
One masked moped gangster from Lewisham said he was nervous about the new medieval torture policy and said he might consider giving up moped crime altogether. ‘Before, when the Feds catched us we’d get like an Asbo or a Tesco gift voucher, but now it sounds like the lightest punishment on the books is gonna be a red-hot poker up the jacksie, which sounds well nasty. I’m becoming a merchant banker instead.’