Newsbiscuit’s guide to the World Cup


Group of dearth: the one with England in it

Atmosphere in the England camp: An unobservable but crucial substance, with the capacity to animate pundits for an hour at a time. Typically very good for up to two weeks but known to dissolve and disintegrate in latter stages

‘The lad’s done tremendous there’: The player did a good thing.

‘The ball bobbled’: It was deflected by an imperfection on the pitch.

‘Everyone in the ground saw the foul except for the referee': There was no foul.

Golden boot: applied to the head by a Russian hooligans wearing spray painted converse shoes

‘We don’t want to just discuss the VAR decisions': This is all we’re going to discuss.

Simulation: Dirty cheating lying scumbag foreigners diving in the penalty area after the slightest touch in an effort to fool the ref into awarding a penalty

Entitled to go down: Dele Ali diving in the penalty area after the slightest touch in an effort to fool the ref into awarding a penalty

Penalty shoot-outs are a test of nerve: England have gone through on penalties

Penalty shoot-outs are just a lottery: England have gone out on penalties

The lad couldn’t manage to hit it with his favourite left foot: Glen Hoddle is an imbecile.

And there’s Prince Andrew in the crowd: Member of the Royal Family has blagged yet another freebie.

He’ll be disappointed with that: His team-mates are going to take the piss big-time after such a pitiful shot/cross/header/goalkeeping blunder

‘Incredible': credible; it was a footballer just doing his job.

‘Unbelievable': believable; it was a footballer just doing his job.

‘Taking his opportunity to use skills clearly honed in the favelas/on Copacabana beach/tough streets of Buenos Aries/in the shadow of the Kremlin/next to the shores of the Baltic Sea: commentator has clearly lost their background notes on unexpectedly good substitute player

‘Shades of Mexico 1970′: Brazilian player sweating up in tight fitting kit tries clever dummy round the keeper

‘Shades of Argentina 1978′: few pieces of ticker tape released in stadium before start of game

‘Shades of South Africa 2010′: Oh Christ, the Vuvuzela is back

‘Shades of grey': fan spotted wearing England away kit from Euro 1996

Round of 16: barmy army try to get some drinks in for the lads in a Moscow bar

‘Germany’ – winners of the 2018 World Cup

(hattips Chipchase, Rootin Tootin, Paul L, Riesler & Midfiled Diamond)

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Posted: Jun 14th, 2018 by

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