Africa closes its borders to migrant British bankers


Reports are surfacing that a rescue vessel containing hundreds of staff from British bank branches has been turned away from ports along the North African coastline.

The migrants are following a well-trodden path to North Africa with reports of thousands of pub landlords already in settlement camps and rumours of dozens of ships containing high-street retail workers landing every week.

A journalist on the rescue vessel, HMS Public Bailout, reports:  ‘Some are without CVs, some are sat on foldaway bikes going nowhere.  Most haven’t had a probiotic yoghurt in days.  Those that still have charge left in their iPads are desperately trying to update their LinkedIn profiles.  Many say they are headed to the ‘Promised Land’ of Nigeria where a Prince awaits to utilise their talents.  They’ve been trying to barter their way into ports with nothing more than gym passes, Costa coffee loyalty cards and the offer to perform ‘a personal financial review’.  It’s a mess.’

‘For just £3bn a month you can keep these bankers in the style they are accustomed.  Give a banker a fish, he will eat.  But give him a fishing rod, he will try to lease it back to you in the form of a sub-prime mortgage’.

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Posted: Jun 16th, 2018 by

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