Wanted: Experienced football manager for untenable position

Graham Taylor need not apply

Are you a football manager with extensive experience at the highest level? Are you looking for a part-time job paying millions? Will you happily accept being undermined by your employer while keeping your opinions to yourself? If the answer to all these questions is yes, then this may be the job for you.

Managing a team of arrogant millionaires, with egos even bigger than their houses, you will be expected to deliver outstanding results against superior opposition, in order to meet the unrealistic expectations of millions of delusional fans. Day-to-day responsibilities include travelling around the country watching football matches (preferably with English players involved), refuting allegations from the tabloid press, and generally trying to give the impression that you are somehow earning your massive salary.

Less frequent aspects of the job will see you selecting a squad once every few months, overseeing training and reminding players how to play football. An ability to mediate in disputes between those under your management is a must, especially if you continue to select John Terry.

While not essential, a chequered past and questionable conduct in your private life would be seen as an advantage by the English media, who would happily write page after page about you any time the team does not perform as expected.

The successful candidate must be willing to travel, and the role will sometimes include trips abroad to countries such as Poland and Ukraine. These trips are not likely to last longer than one week.

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Posted: Jun 17th, 2018 by

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