JD Wetherspoon inspires Queen to launch ships with cartons of milk

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Like a rut-ready Ram surfing a wave of pyroclastic patriotism, JD Wetherspoon announced last week that they are chopping Champagne and European booze post-Brexit in favour of bottles of Blighty’s best home-brews, including: ‘Beached Whale Ale’ and ‘Yellow snow IPA’.

A Wetherspoon spokesbody explained, ‘The UK is the leading export market for Champagne which will change when we offer British and New World sparkling wine alternatives, such as: Champrain, from Mancunian vines, naturally boiling ‘Fukushima Brütonium’, tangy ‘Cumbrian Gnat’s Pissecco’ and the soothing ‘Calpolicella’ for kids. Brands from ‘not too far away’ are out, but brands from ‘far, far away’ are ok.’

Other British institutions have been keen to follow suit and move away from Champagne-based social affirmations. Buckingham Palace have announced the Queen will be launching ships by smashing a carton of full-fat Corgi milk, fresh from the Royal Herd onto hulls post-Brexit. F1 Grand Prix motor racing winners will spray fellow drivers with full-sugar Dandelion and Burdock, ensuring the lucky winner still gets a buzz but will be able to drive to the shops for a loaf later.

Red wines from EU nations will also be replaced, for example: ‘Who Dares Wines’ in Hereford, produce a full-bodied claret from the collected sweat of serving SAS soldiers. Does not go well with chicken. Quick-fire shots will get a revamp with, ‘Navy Gravy’: a teaspoon of Bisto added to a double measure of Pusser’s Rum.

British food options are expected to follow as soon avocados can no longer be passed off as carrots. With its non-EU stance, will dining in JD Wetherspoon consist of a pint of Elderflower tea, Full-English scones, clotted cream with a compote of Scallop jam? Undoubtedly, but it won’t be a European compote, thank you. It’ll be a British dollop.

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Posted: Jun 18th, 2018 by

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