Employees of a sinister underworld organisation have today branded their sociopathic overlord’s decision to work from home – rather than their labyrinthine volcanic lair in the Indian Ocean – ‘a complete sodding disaster.’
Dr Daktari Bludkaskett, the bald, affectation-strewn Svengali of SNARK, ‘providing market leading evil solutions since 1976′, emailed employees two weeks ago to announce that he would be overseeing his fiendish plot ‘remotely’ from a newly-refurbished cottage in Padstow.’
Dr Bludkaskett, cited the desire for ‘a better work/death balance’ as the primary driver for the change of location. ‘Nihilo and Nietsch are both getting to secondary school age’, he noted, ‘and frankly Hex Island is in about the worst catchment area you could wish for this side of Kolkata.’
However, the previously loyal Myrmidons of the Hex Island operational centre say that the change in management style to ‘virtual’ has been ‘little short of calamitous – and not in a good, ‘evil’ way.’
‘It’s been a non-stop screwupfest from day one,’ bemoaned Bludkastkett’s prodigiously talented sidekick Namiastka. ‘First meeting, monday morning; we’re waiting for his gruesome contorted face to appear on the office Jumbotron. He only goes and pairs his webcam with the TV screens of every bloody world leader – if I told him once, I told him a thousand times: use the silver remote with Bluetooth off!’
‘Plus, you have to keep hapless guests standing over the piranha tank for half an hour,’ grumbled SNARK’s resident ADHD cyber-hacker Nils Skansion. ‘Meanwhile el presidente is desperately trying to use his Macbook to operate a set of Windows-compatible trapdoors.
‘And you’ve just gotta pray that a crack squad of ninjas don’t abseil down the lip of the volcano on a Friday, added Namiastka. ‘If the boss isn’t changing laundry loads or picking up the kids, he’s watching Jordan Peterson videos on Youtube.’
Many of the employees now question the feasibility of an October launch date for planet-despoiling satellite Apocalypticon (now renamed: ‘Silver Guillemot’), however, Dr Bludkaskett has told staff that together, they will ‘make it happen’.
‘We may be separated by 5,248 miles and Cornwall’s notoriously slow broadband speeds,’ he told employees via an emergency Skype meeting, ‘but this evil takeover will happen. Oh yes! Woahahahah… (screen freezes and pixellates for 25 seconds) … ahahahaa… oh hang on a sec, that’s the Amazon delivery guy – I’ve been expecting him.’