Trump hoping to train a new generation of cage fighters


The President’s controversial policy of separating migrant children from their parents and keeping them in cages, has been fully supported by the mixed martial-arts fraternity and the makers of galvanised chain-link fencing. The hope is that these children will grow up with the requisite skills of a cage fighter; that of harnessing repressed rage, skimpy clothing and a litter tray.

A Trump spokeswoman said: ‘Detractors claim that this is dehumanizing and cruel – but they say it, like it’s a bad thing. If we want ultimate warriors, we need to brutalize them early – and I’m afraid that American schools are too understaffed to do this. Now, if you will excuse me, I need to get ready to rrrrrr-RUMBLE!’

At least 2,000 children have been caged in the past few months, promising a glut of potential cage warriors or, at very least, a generation of kids with empathy for battery chickens. Meanwhile, the policy has been applauded by those with experience of training infants to become killing machines; experts such as Mr Miyagi, Splinter and Simon Cowell.

‘They say children miss their parents, but really the only contact they need is full-on and bare-knuckle. Besides, if migrant parents wish to see their children, they’re always welcome to buy ring-side seats’

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Posted: Jun 19th, 2018 by

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