Bank branch closures offset by growth of food banks, claims Boris


Reports have suggested that banks are closing branches at the alarming rate of  60 per month. Approximately, 2868 branches have been closed in the period between 2015 and 2018. Boris Johnson, however, does not share the concerns expressed by intelligent people.

“Poppycock nonsense”, he said, “We Tories are fiercely proud of our contribution towards growth in the banking sector. You only have to look at the proliferation of food banks on our high streets. There’s even one opening near me in Islington next week”.

“Even nurses are using them now. That’s got to be a spiffing endorsement”, continued Boris.

To be fair, Boris is not without his own personal achievements. Unilaterally having proved that blonds do have more fun, if only because they are too dumb to realise their transgressions; he has also revived the otherwise archaic word, buffoon, bringing it kicking and screaming into the 21st Century.

When challenged that possibly, that the emergence of food banks was directly correlated to the Titanic-like launch of Universal Credit, he noted ‘Er, thats not my department’, before swiftly cycling away. And as the good Flagship initiative, Universal Credit, sinks further under the waves of unrelenting criticism, the original architect of its design has taken the curious unprecedented step to distance himself further from the policy.

Iain Duncan Smith has, allegedly, teamed up with Jamaican singer-songwriter, Shaggy. The result is a duet cover release of the poptastic classic: “It wasn`t me”.

Currently available for download on itunes, people are advised that the recording may cost considerably more than originally advertised

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Posted: Jun 21st, 2018 by

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