In a crackdown on mobile phone usage, Amanda Spielman has said that students need traditional forms of communication – such as a fax, pagers or a typewriter tied to their wrist. Phones are an unwelcome distraction, in marked contrast to having a carrier pigeon stuffed in your blazer.
A spokeswoman confirmed: ‘We don’t want students reading or writing on their phones, to divert from reading or writing. Mobiles create low level disruption; whereas as someone leaping up and down with hand-held flags and paddles is stimulating. Semaphore allows colourful social communication – plus the child gets a good workout’.
Agreed one teacher: ‘Rather than let students text each other, I just encourage them to shout out ‘oi’ whenever they want. It’s more discreet. Just like the signal lamps, we set up. And the proposed changes to cannabis legislation should mean plenty of smoke signals’.
Pupils will embrace the communication tools their parents used, such as graffiti on the Science Block. The Ofsted spokeswoman said: ‘Its Facebook not funding that threatens our schools. Students need the confidence to put down their phones and fashion a stylus out of their own excrement. It’s about developing writing skills. And, at this school, having read the toilet cubicle wall – I can confirm that ‘Dave iz a bender’.