Path cleared for England’s heart-warming defeat in quarter finals

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England football fans are reportedly delighted not just at securing a late win against mighty Tunisia in the World Cup but also at the prospect of enjoying a chaotic stumbling through four matches before going out on penalties after a valiant defensive display against the first half decent team they play.

‘It’s all falling into place beautifully,’ said Darren Braithwaite, a shaven-headed cock from Chelmsford who has followed England at every World Cup since 1982. ‘We only need to beat Panama to qualify and not even Danny Welbeck twatting about the pitch like a giraffe with its legs stapled together could stop that. Probably not, anyway.’

At the last two World Cups, England fans have been deprived of their usual false optimism too early. In 2010, the usual limping through a weak group brought about a perfect opportunity to lose to Germany on penalties, only for the team to forget its lines and lose 4-1. Last time around, England came last in a group featuring Costa Rica, as a result of which half of Scotland drowned in a sea of jizz and mucus.

‘I must admit it all seemed to be following the recent script against Tunisia,’ said Braithwaite. ‘Flying start and could have been three up in 20 minutes – check. Spaffing it away on a needless penalty – check. Dodgy refereeing decisions to feel aggrieved about and validate Brexit – check.’

After Harry Kane’s late winner and shock results elsewhere, however, it is now certain that England can lurch with unnecessary agony through to a quarter final with Brazil or Germany, who will have got their acts together by then because of course they will, then suddenly start to play well and secure a 0-0 draw after extra time. Raheem Sterling will then be able to miss the decisive spot kick and do a Pizza Hut ad in which he points his gun tattoo at an implausibly pretty waitress in an amusingly phallic way.

‘Makes me so proud,’ Braithwaite sighed.

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Posted: Jun 22nd, 2018 by

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