The Panamanian government has confirmed it will not field any players at all at their national side’s forthcoming World Cup clash with England.
Instead, any goalmouth action from England will trigger an instant release of data relating to British involvement in offshore financing and money laundering.
It has instructed the Head Coach to line the Panamanian goal mouth with pressure sensors, which, when triggered, will automatically release a further tranche of confidential papers – anticipatorily dubbed Panama Papers II – relating to British investments in offshore tax havens.
A source advised: ‘This era of irregular warfare, alternative facts and fake news has encouraged the Panamanian government to think creatively. If you can’t beat ‘em, leak ‘em.’
‘Cyber warfare seemed the most fitting way of honouring our hosts’ modus operandi – or one of them, anyway. Novichok is a mega no-no in a stadium, apparently. Bloody mafia-nanny state.’