Managers of the offshoot of the taxi company insist there will be a huge uptake for their service soon, once self-employed couriers overcome their initial reluctance . “We know there are narcos out there with bales of drugs the size of a double bed to be shifted a few thousand miles”, says Uber executive Julian Schwartz. “All they need is some sap with an airline ticket who needs a bit of extra cash to offset the cost of his dream holiday in Colombia”.
However, one contractor says he was unhappy with the way drug lords are unwilling to upload their GPS location on the app. “If you think it’s bad looking for some drunk who doesn’t know if he’s in Kennington or Kensington, you should try driving around the jungle for three hours in tropical heat. And when I finally arrived, they just shoved parcels of coke into every orifice of my body at gunpoint and sent me on my way without even a tip. To be honest, I think I’ll stick to the taxi business and take a chance on people vomiting in my back seat”.
Uber driver Jonathan Banns from Essex was intially eager to branch out into the new business, but was unhappy when he read the terms and conditions of his Bogotá to Gatwick run. “When I did Uber taxi, I was used to the usual strictures about not raping your passengers”, he says, “but this gig is on a whole new level. I mean, take Clause 3(iii): ‘In the event of loss or damage to said consignment, we’ll kill your whole family and leave them hanging by meat-hooks from a motorway overpass’ – that does sound a bit harsh, doesn’t it? And to add insult to injury, they don’t do Mastercard”.