Tech giant Google has been criticised for the latest intrusion into people’s private lives with the ‘self-driving’ male organ which makes decisions using complex algorithms based on its owner’s browsing history, Facebook likes and taste in porn. However, Google executives insist autonomous penises make 34 per cent fewer embarrassing mistakes than those under human control.
Men whose trousers’ contents are controlled by the high-tech software will no longer need to endure the mortification of having a huge erection in church, or making a disastrous choice of sexual partner at closing time in a night club. Owners are given a reason why sex is not a good idea, e.g. “STD risk”, “too drunk to give consent” or “she’s your cousin, for God’s sake”.
Meanwhile, Mark Oldfield, 29, of Winchester, has given Google control of his member and believes it’s in better hands now. “I just can’t be trusted when it comes to sex”, he says. “Like the other night in the pub when that woman was throwing herself at me. The next day I realised Google was right to stop me from going home with her, especially considering she’s my wife’s sister”.
A government spokesman has fully endorsed the new technology: “What, pricks who think they have minds of their own and want to control what everyone does? You’d hardly expect us politicians to be against that”.