Chemists are hurriedly stocking up with corn plasters, Polygrip and Gaviscon, restaurants are prepping to serve ‘well done’ meals on plates hotter than the sun, and thousands of single-use toilet cubicles stand to attention like portaloo palace guards, why? A tsunami of disgruntlement is about to engulf the nation’s capital as a pharmy-army of over-40s gather for a meticulously planned protest potter.
Miffed at the possibility of paying an extra tax for social care for their future selves, Britain’s pastel people are taking to the streets. Protest organiser Margaret Taylor elaborates, ‘People from all walks of middle-life, rich and poor will unite as one against the targeting of the more affluent to further support people from all walks of middle-life.’
On specific action, Margaret was very forthcoming, ‘Brothers and sisters will disrupt free movement by bickering over large maps in busy walkways. Comrades will suffocate commerce by exchanging thousands of purchases in hundreds of shops. Militant mamils will tour busy thoroughfares, setting off too slowly from traffic lights causing maximum inconvenience. The government will hear our voice. Although not all voices, some of the faithful will have left about 3pm to change, as they have tickets for Mamma Mia.’
Extremist Thomas Hardacre added, ‘I’m in a bit of pickle as to what to wear. Obviously if it kicks off with 5-0 I’ll need a robust cardie. However, it looks like rain and unfortunately I can’t punch for toffee in my sou’wester.’ The Home Office admits to being caught off-guard, a spokesperson explained, ‘We had no idea this was being organised. The intelligence services regularly sweep WhatsApp and Snapchat, nobody thought to scan text messages, landline calls and cards in newsagent windows.’
When asked what would be the duration of the protest, Margaret responded, ‘As long as it takes for the oppressive state regime to realise its responsibility to the people, or when I hit 10,000 steps.’