Soaring temperatures in Britain are currently higher than a number of places that you’d think would normally be hotter than Britain, headline writers have confirmed. The news comes after mercury levels in thermometers on Brighton beach today reached levels higher than those in some European cities that currently have temperatures below those experienced on Brighton beach.
‘It’s a scorcher!’ confirmed one lazy sub-editor at the Mail. ‘The temperature was 30 degrees in Central London today. In comparison to the cities whose temperatures I pulled off from my phone only this morning to find one higher than 30 degrees, this makes it warmer in London than in please insert a city here. Sorry, did I say that out loud. I mean Barcelona. Or Athens. Certainly Athens at 6am’.
New guidelines being developed by the Meaningful Comparison Society will force journalists to publish a list of up to 6 comparison cities that they think are quite hot at the start of every month. Only if the average temperature over the next month in Britain is more than 2 standard deviations above the average in any of these will they be allowed to publish a ‘Britain basks in temperatures higher tan a Typically Quite Hot City ‘ headline.
‘Sadly the hot spell for gratuitous parallels being drawn between Britain and an unspecified vector of intuitively warmer cities looks set to continue’ sighed Mike McDaid from the Society today. ‘It really gets me hot under the collar’, continued McDaid. ‘And yes, that’s hot enough under the collar to fry an egg on’.