Despite raising fears about the impact that shale gas fracking will have on the nation’s health, the Daily Mail has been forced to concede that it had embarked on its own secret fracking campaign after its reserves of vitriol began to run low.
The paper has resorted to generating a series of explosions of outrage deep underground, trapping the vitriolic gas released by the irritation this causes and piping it directly into the unquestioning minds of its readers.
Daily Mail editor Paul Dacre said: ‘The right-thinking Great British public has been let down, and deserves a full apology from the gypsies and immigrants that have forced us down this route by virtually compelling us to use vast amounts of vitriol on a daily basis in our publication for the past twenty years.’
The Daily Mail’s opposition to shale gas fracking stems from the potential linkage with cancer, the extremely high possibility of illegal immigrants entering the country through disused fracking mine shafts, and the use of such shafts to conceal weapons of mass destruction that could be used by Muslims.
Dacre confirmed that, despite concealing its vitriol fracking programme from the public, the Mail’s own shafts would not be used by economic migrant-smugglers because of the amount of poisonous hatred that clogs the tunnels as a by-product of the process. ‘They would be tutted and disapproved of to death instantly,’ confirmed Dacre, ‘or be bayonetted by Nigel Farage as they emerged from the tunnel.’
Unlike shale gas fracking, which has been largely confined to the north of England, vitriol fracking has concentrated on towns such as Tunbridge Wells, Chipping Norton and Sandbanks, all of which are in the affluent southern part of England and are thought to possess unlimited reserves, although some wealthy towns as far north as Watford are also thought to offer relatively rich seams.
Dacre remains unrepentant in arguing that vitriol fracking ‘must continue’ for the foreseeable future. ‘If we can stop these migrants, immigrants, emigrants, Muslims and terrorists from coming over here and causing cancer, claiming billions in benefits and murdering innocent women and children then we can reduce the need for vitriol, and rely on more traditional and sustainable resources such as innuendo, racial stereotyping, gossip, and mindless dedication to the monarchy.’