FIFA brings in Kirstie Allsop to makeover ‘austere’ pitch technical areas


After complaints from team managers about a woeful lack of facilities and comfort in the technical areas at this year’s competition, FIFA has said it will make some changes once the group stage of the World Cup is completed.

FIFA spokesman, Jan Williams, says: ‘We agree, the current technical areas won’t do. They’re just two painted oblongs on the grass but with no technical facilities whatsoever. Hopeless really.’

‘So we’re remedying that immediately and have commissioned Kirstie Allsop to make them over. She already suggested we install a desk, chair and laptop to enable something more ‘technical’ to happen.’

‘Also,’ continues Williams, ‘there will be a side table and fridge with some basic provisions so coaches can maybe knock up a sandwich if they get a bit peckish as the game progresses.’

Speaking at a press conference in Moscow an excited Allsop explained: ‘The current TAs smack of salt mines and cold grey Russian austerity so I’m introducing additional soft furnishings.’

‘We’re fitting some curtains across the width of each one for some privacy and we’re matching these with a nice three-seater sofa should the coaches wish to entertain guests during the game.’

England Gaffer, Gareth Southgate, is said to be delighted by the proposed changes. He told Gary Lineker: ‘I’ve spoken to Kirstie and asked specifically for a leather armchair, mahogany desk, hat stand and velvet smoking jacket to be provided for our games to completely Anglicise my area and to make me and the lads feel more at home.’

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Posted: Jun 29th, 2018 by

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