Ban on references to standpipes and 1976 drought imminent, says government

DROUGHT 1976 - Residents collect water from a standpipe in Northam, Devon.

Nostalgic references to the drought of 1976 are likely to be banned as early as next week, the government confirmed today. The news comes after wasteful and gratuitous comparisons between the current hot spell and Summer of 1976 continued to rise, particularly amongst the older generation and tabloid editors looking for easy copy.

‘All we are asking is for everyone to think before they automatically invoke 1976 when they say how hot and dry it currently is’, said a government spokesperson. ‘There are only so many pictures of people filling up billy cans from standpipes in existence. And remember, no-one under the age of 30 actually knows what a bloody standpipe is.’

Whilst temperatures hit 30 degrees in the UK this week, in 1976, a figure of 35.6 degrees Celsius was recorded in Cheltenham. In ’76, parts of the South-west had no rain for the whole of July and August, making it the worst drought to hit in the UK since the 1720s. ‘Meh’, said one writer for the Sun, as he continued to cut and paste from Wikipedia for a wacky, comparative piece on sporting events, prices of milk and Top 40 hits from 1976 and 2018.

The ban on references to the 1976 drought is likely to be extended to other throwbacks, the government warned, noting that conversations about white dog turds, Rola Cola and the first Rocky film had risen to worrying levels in recent weeks. Michael Mcintyre and John Bishop are thought to be particularly concerned about any such ban, although fellow comedian Stewart Lee welcomed the news.

‘People have to realise that there’s a finite amount of nostalgic 1970s references to go around.’, noted Lee, deadpan to camera, with a very slight raising of his left eyebrow. ‘Any reference to white dog shit should involve at least two levels of joke deconstruction, preferably three.’

‘I was saying as much to Michael McIntyre after we were reminiscing about an incident 42 years ago,’ continued Lee. ‘He’d trod in a huge white turd straight after me, and I said ‘I just did that’, and he said that I should go to the doctor because it was likely to be as a result of poor liver function. I told him that that could work as a joke, but perhaps he could add in some references to screwball ice creams and the unseasonably hot weather’.

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Posted: Jul 1st, 2018 by

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