Contrary to popular misconception, these insights will not be high-resolution views of pubs; those are of course merely inn-sights. This new piece of mega-expensive high-tech kit will give the scientific community – and thus eventually us riffraff – a new understanding of the universe, but of its future, rather than of its past.
Because the universe is quite big and because of the present inefficiency BT/Openreach, until the service improves, it takes quite a while for light from the more far-out bits to get to us. This, like most BT activities, therefore enables us to see into the past.
But not everyone realises that the closer you look at something, the quicker you see it and if you use a microscope to look at things closer than normal instead of a telescope to look at further-away things, you actually see what’s going to happen in the future rather than what happened in the past. This is what quantum mechanics is all about, and this massive new microscope will be built in space in order to make the project much more of a technical challenge, and therefore sufficiently difficult, glamorous and exciting to be eligible for massive public funding.
Early results are promising, with the view into the future showing with increasing clarity and precision that not only will the project fail, but also exactly why, how and when it will fail. ‘This is really exciting,’ said Professor Paltry of the astro-micro-physiological department Bagwyllydiart University. ‘We never expected such precise and accurate information about the future, and it has already buggered the world cup for us.’
‘And no, I’m not going to reveal the score in the final which enabled North Korea to win. And no, we’re not going to examine the outcome of the Brexit negotiations either. Not because that would probably cause the equipment to burst into flames and self-destruct, but because it simply isn’t capable of seeing that far into the future, and we have already looked far enough ahead to know that it never will be. Just as well we we’re building this in space, really, where the punters can’t reach us and demand their money back. Which we confidently predict they’re going to do.’