Public Health England’s latest hot weather advice as Britain swelters…

Britain Swelters

As Britain continues to swelter under the sun, the experts at PHE take you through their ten tips to stay cool in this hot hot hot weather:
1) Offer to do the shopping for an elderly friend or relative. The chilled aisles in supermarkets are a fantastic way to stay cool for free. And remember, the more upmarket the store, the cooler you’ll feel.
2) Take yourself to your nearest hand car wash. For a fiver you can rely on a sweaty bunch of Bulgarians to jet wash you happy. You’ll come away buffed to a fine finish too.
3) Take up devil worshipping. Prancing around naked on open moorland at midnight is great way to cool off in the evening. Note: not applicable in North West and Yorkshire areas.
4) Make friends with a Russian oligarch. You never know when you might appreciate a cooling downdraught from the rotors on that top of the range private helicopter.
5) Wrap a wet tea towel around your head. Try to avoid EDL marches.
6) Go and lie naked on a cold leather sofa. Best not tried in IKEA, except the Croydon one perhaps.
7) Stuff bags of frozen peas down your trousers. Not only keeps you cool, but at the end of the day you have ready-cooked veg to hand. Probably.
8) Drink lager instead of ale, CO2 shortage permitting. This is the only time it is acceptable but you may have to explain to the chaps in the pub that you haven’t turned into a CAMRA member, or a hipster.
9) Encourage your local utilities provider to dig up the road again. Enjoy the 3 storey high fountain as they inevitably rupture the water main,again.
10) Eat a lorry load of hot chillies. Will it work? No. Will we care as you’re carted off to hospital? No.

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Posted: Jul 2nd, 2018 by

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