Couple in critical condition after being exposed to ‘pure brexit’

Novichock

A man and woman found unconscious in Wiltshire may have come into contact with, what chemists are describing as a compound made from ‘Voldemort’s nose, Freddy Krueger’s finger nails and Nigel Farage’s bile duct’. The noxious substance is so deadly that it could destroy all life as we know it, or for the residents of Slough ‘be a welcome relief’.

Home Office figures suggest that 52% of UK citizens have dabbled with soft Brexit for recreational purposes or simply out of peer pressure – that peer being Peter Lilley. Equally so, many casual users attest to experiencing mild hallucinations – such as, the British economy will be fine, that nobody is racist or that David Davis knows what he’s doing.

A police spokeswoman said: ‘Leave campaigners talk about using the ‘Hard’ stuff, but this is pure, un-cut Brexit. Even in its smallest doses it can flatten a city or bring Jacob Rees-Mogg to orgasm. This substance was 100% proof, which is 100% more proof than Boris Johnson uses in his press releases’.

Quite how they came into contact is unsure; as – up until now – a Brexit this extreme has always been sealed in chemical weapons facilities or the wet dreams of Michael Gove. Police are advising local residents to report any toxic materials, or just publish them under the name Katie Hopkins.

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Posted: Jul 5th, 2018 by

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