Secretary for Transport Chris Grayling has dropped his chin to his chest, emitted a sob and admitted defeat. ‘Northern Rail slashing daily services was the last straw. No, that was the penultimate straw – Mark Carne becoming a f***ing CBE was the last straw and now Govia Thameslink are advising people not to travel to London. I want to storm off and go home but I can’t because Victoria station’s closed, so I have to wait for a lift. I’ve had enough!’ admitted the embattled Minister.
For months the UK’s rail network has gone from rolling stock to laughing stock. City centre businesses now provide commuting staff with foldaway handcars to counter the inevitability of a train sat for forty minutes outside its destination full of workers suffering from social media exhaustion.
The responsibility for everything running on tracks is to be handed over to Eric Tattersall, to be coordinated from the converted third floor of his modest house in Doncaster. In the very large world of very small trains Eric is regarded as the Gloria Estefan of model rail enthusiasming, pioneering the ‘Interloft’ system of connecting train sets of all lan-gauges.
Construction of a virtual reality interactive map of the UK rail network is to commence in Eric’s loft where the new Rail Czar will govern every aspect of the network right down to the type of flowers in platform hanging baskets and the thickness of cheese in drivers’ lunches. Commenting on his appointment, Eric chuckled: ‘As I’m now employed by the government to run a vital public service, being the biggest train set in the country, I’m going to need a new hobby’.