Britons who feel superior for “not having a clue who Harry Kane is” have been warned that their smugness will only last another week at most. ‘Either England will be knocked out of the World Cup or the saturation coverage from Moscow will make it impossible to feign ignorance of the event’, warns psychologist Evan Rose.
Veganism and not owning a TV set were the main markers of twattish oneupmanship until recently. ‘But they’ve lost their value since was discovered that people without a TV spend half their time watching clips from sitcoms on YouTube,’ says Dr Rose, ‘and as for veganism, frankly nobody gives a toss if your diet consists of pulses and lentils or roadkill you scraped off the A4. After meat and Eastenders, all that’s left to despise is football’.
Meanwhile, history teacher Greg Macmillan, 43, who prided himself in “not knowing a thing about that stupid game” was forced to acknowledge the existence of soccer after he was knocked down in the street and stomped on by a bunch of fans roaring about England’s victory over Sweden. ‘I’ve been trying to find a replacement to turn up my nose at’, he says from his hospital bed, as a widescreen TV relays details of the Cup at at ear-splitting volume two feet away. ‘Is Love Island still on?’