Announcing an app to replace doctors’ receptionists and reduce surgery phone lines down to one party line between pairs of practices, new health secretary Matthew Hancock has stated that it will revolutionise waiting times and, in line with all other Brexit measures, ‘return the UK safely back to the 1970s.’
‘The app will work on all 8 bit computers, whatever they are,’ said Hancock today, ‘and will cover a number of tasks currently undertaken by front of house staff, such as enquiring as to your reason for wanting to see a GP.’ He says that patients won’t need to explain embarrassing details about the ‘postulating cist on the end of their knob’ to a faceless woman with barely two GCSEs to her name, none in science or biology, but instead will pick from a list of symptoms which, along with your name, date of birth and entire family history will be sent securely to the Cambridge Analytica server for ‘safekeeping’.
Organ donor status can be recorded on the app, too. However one beta tester who has been testing an early version of the software said he was ‘disturbed’ to wake up in ICU having donated a kidney despite not being unwell, let alone dead. ‘I only popped into the hospital for directions to the nearest Tesco,’ he said.
The minister admitted that the software was still being shaken down and assured the tester that his pain wasn’t in vain as the kidney had been sold on the black market, covering the cost of the needless surgery ‘so he needn’t worry about receiving a bill for that,’ said Hancock today.