Despite widespread rumours that Football was coming home, the Home Office disclosed this evening that Football has been denied entry to the country, much to the horror of its many fanatical supporters.
A Home Office official stated that “we no longer hold any records of Football’s British citizenship, as all historical records of this kind were destroyed under the orders of a former Home Secretary at some time between 2010 and 2016″. After such a long period abroad, the officials took the unpopular decision to deny Football entry to the UK, even though Football’s lawyers claim that the UK, and more specifically England, is Football’s rightful country of abode, citing anecdotal evidence of his residency dating back to Medieval times.
Following the shock decision by the Home Office, and disappointment by many of Football’s most ardent followers, Football made what some have called an inevitable, and others have called a traitorous decision. We can exclusively report that ‘Monsieur Football’, as he would now prefer to be called, has applied for citizenship in another, yet undisclosed EU country, where he says he will enjoy greater freedom of movement between nations, and he won’t have to put up with pathetic, tired jokes about Germans, the War, and penalty shootouts. “Above all”, stated Monsieur Football, “I won’t have to put up will all that nauseating and soul-destroying hype in the British media and I certainly won’t miss that stupid song about lions, when they are quite obviously heraldic leopards”.