Former Foreign secretary Boris Johnson has just reminded the citizens of the United Kingdom that he has, you know, just resigned, and that if everybody could discuss this fact excitedly for the next couple of weeks, that would be grand.
The statement came as the residents of the United Kingdom – seemingly oblivious to Mr Johnson’s selfless act of protest – continued to lounge in their back gardens, scouring the cloudless skies for the Red Arrows and ordering a case of agreeable microbrewed IPA for tonight’s World Cup BBQ.
‘Just to make matters abundantly clear once more, I have, with deep regret, formally resigned from my position as foreign secretary – oh and I posed for a photograph of myself signing said letter looking a bit Churchillian. No big deal or anything, but you know, I’ve just resigned for God’s sake.’
A spokesman for the general public issued a formal statement, saying that they had been made vaguely aware of Mr Johnson’s recent decision, as it came directly after news of those Thai boys being rescued and news of Serena Williams’ heartwarming comeback win against Italian Camila Giorgi.
Sources close to the backbencher, said that Johnson had hoped that his second nakedly opportunistic lunge for the reins of power would be one of those pivotal water-cooler moments for a nation starved of talking points and good news stories. ‘He was rather expecting that a grateful nation would be carrying him shoulders aloft into Downing Street. But it all seems to have gone rather quiet.’
‘Why did he do it then?’ asked the spokesperson (full name Derek Bowcott of Ashford) upon being pressed for some kind of response. ‘Brexit? Don’t blame him, to be honest; I’m totally bored with all that too…’
Upon being informed that Mr Johnson was concerned about Great Britain ‘taking back control’, Mr Bowcott added ‘I tell you what, if Dele Alli can’t keep control of those long balls in midfield, we’ll be in serious trouble… here, have you seen that Trump balloon – bloody hilarious! Glorious weather innit? Sorry, what were you asking me about again?’